I wasn't sure what to call this post so I just started to type.  I watched this movie this weekend on Lifetime (one of the best channels EVER!!!).  It revolved around 3 ladies. The 1st gave her daughter up for adoption, the 2nd was the daughter that had been given up for adoption, and the last lady was a woman wanting to adopt (not the adoptive mom of the 2nd lady). In the end the 2nd lady died while giving birth and the 3rd lady ended up adopting the baby.  Well that is the short version of the movie but it got me thinking about my adoption. 

I was only a few days old when my parents brought me home and the adoption was final 3 months later.  I've never known anyone but my mom and dad.  I was born in Bethel Park, Pennsylavnia in 1979.  Since it was the 70s all adoptions were sealed once finalized.  But I wonder from time to time....do my biological mom and dad ever think about me?  Do they wonder what I look like? What I am like?  I know I wonder about them.  I wish I knew why.  Why was I put up for adoption?  Where they too young?  Does my biological dad even know I ever existed? Was it her choice to give me up for adoption or was she forced to do it? Is she still alive? Did she & my biological dad end up together?  What is she doing now?  Is she ashamed of me? Am I a secret?  All these questions and I will never know the answers.  These questions just haunt me from time to time.  My ex used to tell me I was given up for adoption because they didn't want me.  I chose to believe I was given up for adoption as part of God's plan.  My parents were not able to conceive naturally and it was God's plan to put me in this family.  But if I was part of God's plan and I am meant to be with my parents then why didn't God just let my mom get pregnant and have me?  In the movie you could tell the adoption between the 1st and 2nd lady changed them.  And I firmly believe I am the way that I am because I was put up for adoption. 

So people ask me have I thought of looking up my biological parents?  Of course....or they ask why haven't I looked them up.  My answer is simple...my parents chose to adopt me in one of the hardest if not the hardest states in America to unseal adoptions.  Many states mandate that you until you are a certain age.  Pennsylvania will only unseal the adoption if you supoena the court and they track down the parents and they agree.  I could potentinally take a bunch of money and just chunk it off the roof top of one of the buildings in downtown Houston.  I would probably have the same luck in getting my answers plus who has that kind of money.

My parents tell me its okay to try and find my biological parents but whenever I bring it up I get that hurt look in their eyes.  I'm not trying to replace them. I just want answers.  I am naturally a very VERY curious person so me not having these answers drives me bongers from time to time.  Why?  Why didn't they even just take a stab at raising me?  I did it.  I had my son at 17 and he turned out to be a good kid.  My parents tried to talk me into giving him up for adoption but I knew my issues with it. I didn't want him to have those issues.  Unless you yourself are adopted you will never understand what not knowing why someone walked away from you when you were a baby.  A baby....an innocent baby.  I could never imagine giving birth to either of my kids and walking away.  If I did it for their own good, I would stay in touch however I could.  That way when they had questions about why I made the choice I did, I would be there.  Adoptive parents can't answer those questions.  They don't know the whole story.  They may know what they read in the papers or the adoption agency tells them.  At least now, the biological and adoptive parents usually get to meet before the adoption is final. 

I just want to know why....so here is my letter to my biological mom

Dear Mom,

I just want to start off with I wasn't sure when I was writing this what your name is so I put Mom.   You are in fact my mom...my biological mom as with both know.  Anyways...thank you for giving me life.  I am 34 now, have 2 beautiful kids, an incredible husband and a good life. I owe part of that to you.  You for whatever reason gave me up for adoption and I was given to an incredible family.  I was never thought of as adopted or different with my parents and grandparents etc.  I don't know the situation of why you chose adoption.  I'm not mad or angry or etc. I am curious about you.  I wish you all the best and wish to meet you some day but I understand if you don't want to.  The past sometimes needs to be left in the past. 

Thanks again

Love,
Michelle