Thursday Ramblings

Today it is cloudy outside and they say it will rain but it's never gonna rain again I've decided. 

I feel lost today.  Lost in an abyss of crap unnecessary crap...work crap, life crap, kid crap and happily enough not in dog crap.  I used to feel like this every once in a blue moon but lately its more and more.  I've thought about going back to counseling but who has the time much less the $$$$.  I would love to be paid $$$$$$ to listen to someone spill their guts. 

So as I mentioned in a previous blog, my daughter's "dad" is a dirt bag / dead beat.  He has said numerous times that he wants to sign his rights away and if the State of Texas would allow it he would have already done it.  Such great things to say about a child I know.  The State of Texas will only allow it if there is another parent willing to step up and assume the responsiblity but I don't want that to be a main reason I decide to get married.  When and if I ever get married again, I want it to be for the right reasons and because I feel it and I'm excited about it.  So I talked to an attorney awhile back and she gave me the option to offer to lower the child support (that he doesn't pay) in exchange for cutting back / taking away the visitation rights he has (which he doesn't use).  I was so confused didn't know what to do.....couldn't imagine having to face K when she asks me why did I let him sign his rights away etc...I talked to my a couple of friends, my mom, sister, and my boyfriend.  They all said it was up to me or leave it alone...etc etc.  So I decided to put it out of my mind completely, don't talk about it anymore and put it in God's hands.

Yesterday while at work doing work things lol, the thought ran through my mind to do it...offer to lower the child support in exchange for changing the visitation.  After work I got in the car and stared at my phone, I told myself this answer came from no where so it must be the thing to do.  So I called him and as the phone rang my mind was blank but he never answered.  He never answers so I wasn't surprised. So I contemplated was that a sign to leave it alone?  He never called me back to find out why I had called.  I talked to my mom, a good friend, and my boyfriend and they said leave it alone.  Maybe I should but I know him he is a "popper" with no concept of time.  He will pop in and out of her life whenever it's conveinent for him and that is no bueno. 

I run this whole thing through my head and bottom line I have to stick to it.....I have to make the offer and I have to try and get him to agree.  I have the upper hand because he has lost yet another job (kharma baby) and hasn't paid any child support so the State is fixing to start a man hunt. 

I hate drama and he seems to be my last piece of drama....its like waiting for him to drop the other shoe.  I can't live like that.  I want my shoes to drop when I want them to drop.



I'm lost lost lost.......this feeling SUCKS


Lost in space.............